Wednesday, January 19, 2011

ONE bag

Yesterday I brought one bag to work, a purse.

That's it. No pump bag (halleujah!), no lunch bag, no workout clothes bag. I swear I got out of my car to walk into the office and I felt like I'd lost something.

As I stop pumping, it's kind of bittersweet for me. No more time suck (pun intended) of sitting around, trying to multi-task with a machine attached to my body. But this somehow also ends the beginning of the end....of Savannah's baby-hood. No more new infant, we're past the multiple night feedings, reflux, nasty baby food, rocking to sleep and first smiles. On to cruising, walking, talking, and a little bit of attitude in my spunky little girl.

It was strange. Savannah had a (double) ear infection and was crying sometime around 4am. After I got her back to sleep, I had the weirdest thought.

"This is it?" This IS the last baby. A little pang of sadness came over me and I fell back into my never-long-enough slumber. For some reason this thought has stuck with me throughout the week. Do I want more kids? Not consciously! But I think I am mouring "the beginning of the end."

NEWS for the week:
  • Reese moved up into the "Pre-K 3" room at school. Does this mean I officially have a preschooler? He continues to say weird and random things such as "I don't have a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend." Strange. He also tries to touch Mommy in inappropriate places that I am sure he can't understand while I try to explain why we don't touch anyone like that. Sigh. I was sure I had years before I had to cross that bridge.

  • Per the advice of my mother after my mini meltdown (see previous post), I decided to see a therapist. Even though I am managing much better, I went today anyways. He says I don't give myself permission to just be myself, that I always have to be busy. We talked about career choices and he went into this whole, "If you could do anything" bit. I told him I'm a realist and that I've got a good job. I'm still stewing on the session and trying to decide if it's worth going again.

  • Reed suprised me with an early birthday present of a NookCOLOR. I love it. And him. Highly recommend.

The whole blog thing isn't going too well today, but here it is. I'd like to promise a better post to come, but I don't make promises I can't keep. Stay tuned.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Confessions of an Unbalanced Mother

I've signed in several times in the past few months and started a post, however, you'll note that one hasn't appeared since...March?

Where does the time go? I think my problem was I felt I had to write about everything that has happened and I just don't have the time, energy or will. So I will write about what's been on my mind lately.

I had a crisis of sorts a couple of weeks ago. It was Christmas break, and I had about week and a half off work. Savannah had just gotten past a dreadful, week long bout of pneumonia that had us worried sick and awake every 3 hours trying to keep her fever below 103. It got up to 105 and was a rough time.
I felt as though with my new job, 2 kids, trying to keep a semblance of order in our lives was becoming impossible. The house always seemed to be a mess, the kids never ate a meal that didn't come out of the microwave, and Reed and I had no time for each other. My head was constantly spinning, I couldn't eat much, lost weight and was an emotional mess. Call it growing pains or a threshold, whatever, I felt I was losing it.

We visited my parents the week after Christmas. The pace was slowed down, home cooked meals, family time, no work. I felt like myself again. Everyone was healthy, and happy. We returned home and I started gearing up mentally for the work week ahead.

As I drove to work that Monday, I got on the highway and burst into tears. Long story short, I felt I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Reed and I talked and came to the conclusion it would not be possible for us to live on his salary unless we sold our house and moved into a cheap apartment. This isn't a move either of us were ready to make, so we decided to give it some time and see how I felt. Reed was supportive and validating of my feelings which I continue to be appreciative of. I think it is hard for him to not be able to make a higher salary that would enable me to be at home.

2 weeks and a few snow days later....Do I still want to be a stay at home mom? Some days. Other days I REALLY thrive on having a career and a family. I have deduced my little meltdown to be a combination of the stress of a new (albeit, great) job, PMS (really), fatigue and maybe a little neurosis. When it comes down to it, we've got it pretty good. Happy, healthy, busy, full lives. Some days parting with my little ones in the morning leaves me with a pang of guilt and indecision, other days it is a breath of fresh air to be able to be my own person and contribute financially to my family! No matter what, my favorite part of my day is when I pull into the childcare center, and if it's warm enough outside, Reese sees my car from the playground. I can hear him yell, "MOOOMMMMMYY in his happy 3 year old voice as I watch him try to tear down the fence. He attacks me with a running hug and starts to tell me about all the fun things he did while we walk hand in hand inside to get his baby sister. As soon as I walk into her room at the center, an ear to ear grin becomes plastered across her face while she crawls to me and up into my arms. They are happy and well adjusted and I cherish the time I spend with them. I asked Reese if he knows what Mommy does at work and he said, "Make money so you can buy me toys."

"Sure, dear..and food, a house, and your college education." But mostly he just cares about the toys.

I may not always have the perfect balance in life (ok, rarely!), but this I know- my family comes first and they know it. Negotiating our schedules, pick up times and trips and meetings is certainly a balancing act. I often have to take a step back and take a deep breath and simply live day to day and focus on one task at a time. Reed has come up with our family motto, "We'll make it work", and we always do. I am so grateful for him as a partner in this crazy ride we call LIFE, which should be navigated with care, commitment and a healthy dose of humor.

Till next time,

Jess
<